no one will hit me

i keep feeling that dark chocolate melting into my tongue, followed by that surprising sweetness that so contradicts the silky bitterness preceding it.

i keep drinking too much sake because the sleep after it settles in my belly and satiates my exhaustion.

i like to wake up early and listen to my coffee brewing as i scour my room for matching socks.

i am so perfect when you kiss me in the morning, testing each of your joints to make sure they work today. watching your body come to life again next to mine.

i love walking people through the rain with big umbrellas.

i'm so excited about los angeles that i don't think i'll ever get there.

i used to

think i was slightly original until i relapsed, totally relapsed into this complete worthless and utterly typical lifestyle of being afraid submissive making all the wrong decisions--

and the gravel, the broken pieces of used-to-be-sidewalk crunching awkwardly below his jordans and that shitty job waiting to be wham!toasted, bam!served to the enforcers that won't enforce because they want our sandwiches and

i am your sky, i am your fucking sunny day sundown and i'll shine on you until you flee to the shadows, the oscuro and let's ride all day long i want to lose myself and lose you so badly on these bullshit roads that will never end they will just change and dead-end and turn into bigger better BOULEVARDS! santa monica, hollywood rodeo drive oh please i will be anything you want if you just let me go down on you like i've been doing this all my life

fuck those compulsions to buy little stuffed toys that i can clutch and pretend into friends for myself when i'm alone-- and wrap those appendages (not arms if they can't support) about me why yes there's a bit of weight to be regained BUT FUCK IT REALLY darling because when i looooook in the mirror these bones are so much bigger like you when you're tangling me up in the sheets and i won't let you have me. she's so heavy.

and there is this nagging irrational feeling that i had a quarter in 1992 and when i least expect it, that quarter is going to be in my pocket again and there's nothing i can do but spendspendspend it.

i am so nervous i shake and coat myself in flour.

it

it's hitting me.

warbling

memphis is playing a cacophony for us tonight, baby
of cicadas screaming for a somebody,
of boxcars wishing for the past.
and one day,
this will course through everything,
a weak circulation from better days, too
veinous and steely to render a mistake

i can feel how still the trees are
now
even with the living things moving inside of them:

"I was in love once."

the crickets drown all my miss-yous
in this siren-dirtied air,
with my neurons forever synaptic between evolution and
how you always
felt.

things

are most evasive when needed.